Well, this week wasn't 100% productive, and God only knows what tomorrow's weigh-in will bring. I can blame it on stress (which there was a lot of), I can blame it on being tired, I can blame it on not feeling good this weekend. What it all boils down to is I simply need to refocus and get back on track, 100%. I want to be under 200 so badly I can practically taste it. It's almost like I get very close (within 3 pounds or so) and I just go into a sort of self-destructive mode.

I've never been thin or even slightly overweight as an adult. As a teenager (namely my freshman and sophomore years in high school) I was in very good shape - but I was on the volleyball and basketball teams (luckily for me they took whomever showed up for the sport or I would never have been accepted lol :-)) and running 2 or 3 miles 5 days a week. I also had a mom who served pretty healthy meals in moderate portions.

Starting tomorrow, I will be adding the amount of exercise I got to the daily weigh ins. I do have a pedometer which (if I can find it) I'm going to attach to my shoes to get an idea of how much exercise I am getting, and where I can improve. My exercise goal this week is to get at least 4 days in.

Someone contacted me wanting to know how to get the signup fee for Weight Watchers Online waived. The only way I've ever been able to get the fee waived is via emails they send me after I've cancelled my membership in the past. Perhaps a local chapter of WW would have a code? Believe me, if I find an answer I will update with that information because I have searched for them myself in the past.

Today’s Weight: 204.8 (yikes!)
5 day avg: –

according to discovery health, my basal metabolic rate (BMR) is 1690 calories/day. This is supposed to be the number of calories I would burn if I didn't do anything except lie in bed all day. With each activity you do, obviously the more calories you burn.

kinda neat.

Today’s Weight: 202.8
5 day avg: –

Today's Weight: 203.4
5 day avg: --

i've been reading another weight loss blog called "swankywanker" and got a really good idea: to keep track of my daily weight and average it out. she does 5 days; I might do 7. i also like how she logs her exercise so i think i will borrow that idea, too.

i'm feeling much less cranky at the moment but still extremely tired. oh well. the tired i can handle; the cranky just makes me want to indulge.

this has been a rough week.

i did ok monday and tuesday and stayed within my daily points. then my husband (h) decided to stay home wednesday and everything just went totally down the crapper. I used 48.5 points yesterday! That's like 2400 calories! And the sad thing was I actually trying to be good.

i am such an emotional eater. when h is home from work sick it raises my stress levels through the roof. yesterday i just kept thinking 'i can't do all this. i can't be 100% good about my food and deal with him when he's sick.'

i'm doing much better today, food-wise. i've still got plenty of points left for dinner and maybe even a snack.

maybe i should look on the bright side too - in the past i wouldn't have bothered to log my food at all, would have gotten pissed when i didn't lose any or gained weight, and given up. at least this time i'm owning up to my actions.

whoever thought up the scale should be tarred, feathered, drug into the street, and shot with an air soft gun (because they're really annoying). yesterday morning i weighed myself and it was at 201.8. This morning it said 205.6, then 10 minutes later said 205.8. When I tried again after getting dd #1 ready for preschool it said 207.4 (granted, that time I had my clothes - jeans and a t-shirt - on.

This makes no sense; I was actually very good about eating healthy yesterday even though it was my "relax" day. I had toast and some bacon for breakfast, grilled chicken, baked potato, and dinner salad for lunch, and a turkey sausage for dinner. The only "bad" food I had was 3 handfuls of chips and some french onion dip, and 5 caramels.

I woke up in a bad mood this morning and this really isn't helping matters much. I guess I'll just try again tonight or in the a.m.

last night went pretty well. i had an lg pepperoni pizza for dinner (6 points) and only had 2 or 3 fried mushrooms when we went out. i'm pretty sure i drank half my flex points away but that's ok; i had a lot of fun :-). i needed a night out like that (excepting the fight we had when we left but that's another story) since the rest of the week was craptastic.

i'm going to email a friend of mine who lives down the street and see if she wants to start going for walks in the morning after our preschoolers leave for school. She mentioned that she wants to lose her baby weight (she's had 3 kids in the space of the last 5 years), so hopefully she'll be up for it.

one thing i've found that really helps me stay on track with WW is allowing myself one day a week (usually sundays) where I relax my eating rules. i'm not saying i go all out and get an egg mcmuffin for breakfast, burger and fries for lunch, and taco bell for dinner, but i allow myself a couple handfuls of chips and a PB&J sandwich, and maybe some ice cream.

i hopped on the scale this morning (though my weigh in isn't until tomorrow) and was shocked - 201.8! That would mean I dropped 5.2 lbs in weight this week. i had to remind myself that this was very likely mostly water weight but still.....assuming this is my weight (please please please lol) i could be under 200 at this time next week. the last time i was under 200 was almost 4 years ago, when i was on ww the first time. I got down to 192, then got pregnant 2 weeks later.

here's hoping!

i'm extremely irritable and hungry today. And I mean HUNGRY! This morning wasn't too bad; I had a fried egg white, cup of applesauce, and a bowl of low sugar oatmeal with S&L. By 11:00 this morning though I was ready for lunch. No biggie. Heated up a Michelena Lean Gourmet (LG) Meatloaf and made a salad topped with 5 croutons, 1 tbsp FF Italian Dressing, and some vinegar. Tried to take my time eating it but it was gone before I knew it. 10 minutes later I was hungry again. So I popped a bag of 100 calorie FF popcorn with butter and sprinkled some powdered ranch stuff (the kind you use to make ranch dip that comes in a packet) on top. Once again, gone before I knew it.

I was tired so I got DD #1 to lie down in the living room with me so I could rest. After all, they say that fatigue is weight loss's enemy. I figured a nap couldn't hurt.

Well, when I got up (after about 30 minutes) my stomach was growling so much it actually hurt. Since I usually do shopping on Sundays, we're out of carrots, almost out of lettuce, and I couldn't even stomach the thought of another bag of popcorn. So I grabbed a handful of cheese crackers (the square ones, like Cheese Its) and finished the last 7 pretzel pizza combos I had left over from Monday. Then I ate 2 caramels.

I was angry with myself as soon as I finished the crackers and combos because I knew I didn't really want them, but at the same time I was somewhat proud because I could just as easily have grabbed the cheetos, brownies, or pringles sitting in the kitchen.

Husband and I are going out tonight, and I had planned to be very good, food-wise, today so I could afford to relax a bit tonight. Well, I suppose I will just resolve to behave the rest of the day. No more crackers and no more pouting. I think the cracker promise will be easier to keep today though :-)

without getting into TMI territory, I had the Mirena IUD inserted a year ago after having a lot of issues with being on the pill (that's a rant for another time, though ;-)). One of the nice things about Mirena is that for a lot of women it will lighten and sometimes do away with "Aunt Flo". While I am not one of the lucky ones that doesn't have to deal with it at all (although I will admit there is some comfort in knowing that I am not pregnant on a fairly regular basis), it has cut me back to every other month. It's worked out so my AF months are the even months (February, April, June, etc).

While I may not have AF every month, I do get some PMS symptoms every month. They are generally lesser than when AF is here, but one that remains very constant is ravenous hunger the week leading up to AF or when I would have AF if I had it every month. Ravenous hunger including an ungodly craving for chips and french onion dip.

((Shut up, stomach))

So, it's either that or I'm about to get extremely sick since everyone in the house has been in the past 2 weeks. Either way, it's making me extremely grumpy.

absolutely ravenous this afternoon. i'm probably partially dehydrated; i went down to a friend's house this morning with my youngest daughter and all i had to drink was a cup of coffee. before that all i'd had to drink was a cup of coffee. so, i'm trying to drink some more sf juice (sorry; can't stand water plain).

so proud though - instead of grabbing the combos again i grabbed the rest of the bag of baby carrots out of the fridge. there was about 1 serving left, so it worked out awesomely.

it didn't go badly at all. i managed to more or less stay on track, and although i was tempted to totally give up for today, i kept myself to about 7 pizza pretzel combos and 2 caramels. much much better than i would normally have done.

tomorrow a.m. it's back on 100% track :-D

i'm not doing too badly, food wise (I'm at about 9/10 out of 26 points at the moment), but my sister just called and said we're taking our mom out for dinner for her birthday - at the chinese buffet. i'll try my best to be good, but it's gonna be hard :-(

my therapist said it would be a good idea to note the mood i'm in when i eat, so i'm going to try to do this here and on my ww points tracker.

cravings haven't been too bad today partly because i've been keeping busy. i haven't really felt that hungry, which is nice.

this afternoon is really rough. i'm hungry, and i've been hungry most of the day. i had a 100-calorie bag of popcorn about an hour ago and i'm starving again. i've been trying to keep myself busy but it's hard. i keep thinking about the food i'd like to eat, and getting mad that i can't have it.

I updated my About page with a couple of pictures and stuff. Looking at the first one is helping to keep things in perspective; I mean, damn...look at my gut hanging out under my shirt. Blech :-P

...is admitting you have a problem, of course :-) lol

today wasn't too bad; right now i still have 8.5 points left and i think i will have some croutons and dressing dip for a snack..yum.

i've learned that afternoons are so hard for me in terms of not falling off the wagon. between 1 and 5 are the pits. i've resolved to simply drink more kool-aid (sugar free, of course) and distract myself with the girls, or something on the 'puter, or even taking a walk.

i also learned that some people put a pinch of salt in their coffee maker to take the bitterness out. It works!

i signed up at weight watchers online again; i had an email coupon that would wave the $29.95 signup fee. i signed up for the 3 month option since it ended up being a dollar a week cheaper than just doing the one month. (now i just have to sell enough to pay off the charge on the credit card lol).

i'm nervous. i'm afraid i'm going to fail again, but i also know that not doing anything is worse than trying and failing, if that makes sense.

i want to look and feel good about myself. i know that as long as i look like this i will never have the confidence to leave my unhealthy marriage.

i'm going to join weight watchers again. it's the only program i've tried and lost a fair amount of weight on more than once. plus i have a coupon to get the fee waived if i join again, so that sounds good to me!